April
Monday, April 26, 2010 
I read somewhere that there are two kinds of people: those that value safety above all else, and those that value meaning most. All people, to a certain extent, want both but they design their lives around the thing they care most about.
I most certainly fall into the "meaning" category. I want safety. Really, I do. But not at the cost of living a life that matters, one that has left this earth better than I found it.
T.S. Elliot wrote that April is the cruelest month and this April has been that to me. Beautiful and cruel. A month of internal wrestlings. Have you had one of those?
I guess what it comes down to is this. I am home with two young children, nearly three. I am home schooling, blogging, and selling jewelry. Sometimes this feels like four full time jobs, at least. And yet for all the time and energy spent, am I making choices that lead to living my best story? This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is my life, I've only got one shot at it.
To those that much is given, much is required. There is just no denying that there are some requirements to this ridiculously blessed life that I am living. Too many days I choose to leave those requirements unfulfilled.
This April hasn't given me many answers but I am slowly starting to recognize the questions I want to ask to determine what fills my days.
For today I am writing the story of my life. I just want to write the best story I've got.
{image: jhscrapmom}
Reader Comments (16)
Sounds like you are thinking a lot about what matters most. I think we should all do that every day.
Suzanne
i totally agree and i just posted about this too.... “Stop every now and then to evaluate whether you are really learning or enjoying as much as you would like. If not, have the courage to find out why and then change your path of study.” - Clare Walker Leslie
Wow. First post I've ever read on this blog and you just pulled me in. I am right there with you. Similar homelife. Asking questions...
Eric and I do this for our marriage, too. After all, we are in this life together!
God bless you, Sean and the kids.
Now, drop everything and come see us! woot woot!
are you living my life? my april seems similar with similar questions thrown in the mix.
I found your blog through you using my photo...and i can not tell you how appropriate this shot is for your post. very similar things were going through my mind at this time of my life...to be honest, the similarity is eery;) - i was awaiting the arrival of my third child the summer i took this and wrestling with many questions about my life.
a year and a half later, i have no real answers, but am happy and loving what my life is....but still wondering...what will be:)
nice to meet you:)
I suggest reading the Happiness Project. I'm reading it right now - I'm finding lots of really nice tips and facts that are helping me to shape my outlook to be what I want it to be...
questions will always be more rewarding than answers.
sounds like you're on the right track already.
Oh Emily, I have been in similar place, thinking about these two things: safety and meaning. Up until now I have been all about safety while longing for meaning and now I am trying to reverse this so that I have finally have the meaning whose void has been plaguing my mind as of late! I watched the last episode of Six Feet Under recently and it all became clear to me. Oh silly tv. But I posted about this and cited your post as part of my inspiration. Thanks, friend!
lovely wife - thanks for keeping our family striving for something more.
"This is my life, I've only got one shot at it." I need to live this revelation on a daily basis. I'll keep trying . . .
Take time for many deep breaths. The internal struggle is often so complex and the external pulls at your attention are endless. Many do not even stop to evaluate and question any of it. But because you do just that there is another layer of interest and complexity. Take the time you need. And thanks for sharing a bit of it here.
My heart sighed when I read your post, figuratively I stand somewhere near you this April. It's comforting to know we are not alone. By the time I read through all the comments I had tears in my eyes. I must say that I was once in a situation where fear ruled everything and everyone who had a hand in my existence there and it was one of the most demoralizing and unsettling situations I have ever been in. It began to really take a toll on me, my ability to hear and know myself, my life, my mission. Those who hang on to safety can never have happiness.
When I walked away in uncertainty for my future, I had certainty about what was important to me and knew that no matter what came, I must find myself again. I have never been disappointed when I have chosen meaning rather than safety. May we all be blessed. :)
A month of internal wrestlings. I don't think I could have said it any better. And now, on the eve of this last day of April, I am finally seeing the faint light past the fog of all of this internal dialogue. Thank you for the safety/meaning distinction - I (we) choose meaning, which may sometimes feel scary and uncertain. But then, we just have to get back to the intention for why we are choosing to live the way we do.
What a beautiful post. You're thinking, you're trying, you are aware and you have intention. I read this and feel faintly envious of how far you've got in living an inspiring life already. Think of the creating you're doing every day - as a mother, as a teacher, as a writer. Think of the thoughts you've just given all of us. Thank you.
(I have been reading your blog for many months now - apologies that this is the first time I've said hello and thanked you properly for it!)
I have been meaning to stop by for some time to comment here and tell you I am wishing you the best as you're working through all this. Whatever you decide on, I know it will be good and right. Also, so much of this articulated the way I've often felt, so thanks for that. And also to just leave a general message to say that you seriously always blog about the best things. Like every single post since this one.
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, by Donald Miller. Read it, loved it, recommending it to everyone I know. It's all about living a better story.