the dangling participle: a tragedy in 3 parts
Thursday, November 12, 2009 
Part I.
Many moons ago, both my husband and I attended Baylor University in Waco, Texas. Early on in my time there, I chose English as my degree of choice. This choice was based less on my love of the written word and more on the knowledge that this was to be my simplest path in actually departing from the University with a degree. Let's just say that my head was not in the game.
I spent four years engulfed in a myriad of classes covering all things Literature And Writing. But one class, I ignored - Grammer. I told people that I was a Creative Writing major though this major was not officially offered by the University. And besides, my definition was bound to be off a bit from theirs. What I meant was - my spelling is horrific and I don't give a rat's anything about capitalization, punctuation and the like.
At long last I am a senior, my course catalog has been ravished and yet there sits Grammar waiting patiently. It is time.
I take the class. Not so bad, really. Boring, confusing but bearable. I fail.
Part II.
I take the class again. Second second semester, senior year. I take a different teacher with a fresh approach. I get a kind little memo in my mailbox that I will not be graduating on time. I've failed the class again.
I go to see the Dean of the English Department. As one of heaven's little jokes, she happens to be a former Grammar teacher. She pities the fool and goes so far as to ask if I have considered the possibility that I might have a learning disability. So I said - "Listen Sweetheart. That may well be the case. But I'm just not willing to explore that possibility one credit shy of graduation. It's a little late in the game to go there."
Okay, so I may not have actually said that out loud but I have said it a lot of times in my head since then.
Part III.
I muscle through the class a third time, summer school. I study and pass with a C.
Years later I start a blog and digress grammatically to the point that I must self-diagnose. I most assuredly suffer from some type of disorder, perhaps onomatopoeia.
All this to say - thank you, dear Readers, for being willing to wade through all my vernacular vomit to get to the heart of the matter. I apologize here and now for every misspelling, every word misuse and each and every one of their cousins. One day, when this job pays a little better (or at all) I shall get an editor. Should I then decide to pen my memoirs you can find them under this title - My Life in Typos.
The End.
{endnote: Upon spell checking this essay upon it's completion I find that I have misspelled, wait for it, Grammar, each and everytime. That's bad, folks.}
{image: sentence diagram of the Preamble of the Constitution}
Reader Comments (24)
My grandmother always lamented the fact that I was taking years of French classes yet no rigorous grammar classes. She was an old school grammar teacher and thought that this trend would be the demise of my generation. Oh well! French is more fun anyway.
"vernacular vomit" - EW!!! At least you are creative!
I'm awful at grammar. And geography. And vocabulary. I love re-learning through my boys though... like what is it called when a word means the same thing in two languages? Example: taco. Shoot! Now I can't remember what it's called. Con-something... Grade: F.
How funny. This is a sign of a right-brained, intuitive person, really.
You are hilarious! My husband studied English in college, and he too has a "lack of concern" for grammar. When I bug him about it he goes off about how English has evolved over the years and what we consider correct will change and it's all just a construct, blah blah blah. Ha ha. Thanks for your honesty. It's refreshing.
I must be a grammar nerd. I LOVE the sentence diagram of the Preamble. I just might have to print one off for our school room. :) I'm one of those that buys an extra grammar workbook just so I can do my own while my children are working on their books.
Hilarious, Emily! I always thought I was fairly decent with grammar until I started hanging with the foreign language teachers. DANG - they really know their past participles!
I was an English major in college but never had to take a grammar class (funny, I know). My grammar lessons in high school were sub-par, so most of my grammatical skills are self-taught b/c I always felt as though I had to have them being an English major and all. But I feel your pain b/c I know I don't always write lines devoid of the passive voice and split infinitives!
ok now this is eerie...because we are already so similar but...
i went to Baylor for two years (then transferred to UT)
i was an English major
i hated grammar and (barely) made a 'c'
crazy, no?
Joslyn! that's probably because we had the same teacher!
I went to Baylor transferred to Westmont in Santa Barbra and then back to Baylor but always thought I should have gone to UT. My kids wear longhorn paraphernalia (!)
I'm with you! And probably a lot worse...and or how I love my incorrect ellipses and dashes --- so satisfying even if I don't use them in the required set of two... ;)
Oh, I so feel your pain. My fourth grade teacher announced to the entire class that I would spend my life with a dictionary attached to me because my spelling was so awful. I was a journalism major and barely passed grammar. (and I would have spelled it with an e as well). Pretty sure I got a sympathy C. And now I live with dictionaries and grammar reference books and still I struggle.
You are not alone, but this was a very funny post.
I love this blog! My husband, in my eyes, is brilliant. Every random question I ask- he seems to have a great answer. I love it about him. However, he can not spell. AND I REALLY LOVE THAT! He will turn to me and ask how to spell something. I calmly answer but inside I rejoice- I actually know something he does not.
I love reading your blog! Today I really relate because my son was diagnosed with a learning disability but not until 10th grade. Now he is in college getting a communications degree and he is a fabulous writer. But last night he sent home a 9 page paper for me to go over for grammatical mistakes!
This post made me smile, as well. I'm currently in graduate school for Englishy stuff, and my grammar and spelling are (and always will be) atrocious. There'll always be grammar snobs who get off on correcting the typos from others' emails, but that's just it--they're snobs.
<3
I think it's pretty wonderful that you misspelled grammar...
grammar sucks.
You guys are awesome. Thanks for empathizing.
You are not alone :)
Glad to read that you have the patience to do a spell check on your post. I lack that kind of patience and often post writings and send emails with typos.
This is hysterical! I am afraid that I suffer from onomatopoeia as well. As a future English teacher, I am working on it!
Your father and I did not learn until this post that we paid for the same class 3 times. Ah the joys of parenthood. love, Mom
I'm reading your blog thinking: Is she reading my journals from my last two years of Baylor? Like you, as you may reacall, I was an Enlgish major as well. I also took Grammar three times, failed twice, and passed (also with a C) two months before graduating in August! And yes, believe it or not, after the second go around, the professor pulled me in his office and advised me to be tested for a learning disability. I'm for real! Hilarious--loved reading your story.
So funny! I remember those days. But really, you are my most favorite writer. You are SO GOOD!
I'm working on a history major, because grammar scared me away from one in English. I misspell 'grammar' every single time too!!! LOLOLOL Thank you for this post. <3
what? you!? I thought for sure grammar would be one of your knacks.
I share your major. Only I was in love with grammar and spent many happy years arguing the finer points of punctuation and capitalization with coworkers. Only to no longer care so much now. Oh, and I couldn't write a short story or poem that I'd want to show even to my own mother.
I went to UT Austin, majored in English, and also took a grammar class my senior year. I did pass the first time, but I will say, college grammar was TONS different from middle/high school grammar.
I am probably also what is known as a "grammar snob," but the older I get, the more I can appreciate others' disregard for it. I guess they/you just have different things to think about?